Rep. Mikie Sherrill (D) and former Assemblyman Jack Ciattarelli (R) are facing battle in the 2025 New Jersey gubernatorial contest.
Sherrill’s slim lead could evaporate if she doesn’t create a stir, since Jack Ciattarelli and the majority of rational and informed voters are obsessed with exorbitant taxes, housing expenses, failed energy policies, skyrocketing electricity bills, and the aftermath of recent national political upheavals.
Here are five very serious plans to win the Garden State and dominate the headlines, along with a few extra moves just for good measure, to keep Ciattarelli in the dust.
Storm a Federal Facility for Viral Glory
When you can storm into a federal building, why knock on doors? Sherrill might playfully prod security and demonstrate at a post office, calling for Jersey families to receive their mail more quickly.
Clips of her Navy veteran grit from the anticipated handcuff moment captured on a webcast would be shared on social media. As Ciattarelli’s budget talks fade into the background, voters would be enthralled by the rebel with a cause feel. Pro tip: To make it clear that you are in authority, wear a power jacket.
Benefit: a two-ranking increase
Bonus Points: However, that constitutes chump change. It would be advantageous to arrive at the federal ICE detention center in Newark with a large crowd and cameras. Claim your rights as a congresswoman and an American, storm the gates, and attack federal authorities.
Benefit: an increase of +5 ratings
Crash a National News Conference, Mic Drop Included
Imagine Sherrill interrupting a high-profile press conference, say, discussing national infrastructure, and taking the microphone to vent about the stressed airport and deteriorating bridges in New Jersey, which you have neglected since winning a seat in Congress.
Although she would be dragged away by security, group chats would be dominated by the widely shared video of her defending Jersey.
She would present it as evidence that she is standing up for families rather than seeking influence. When compared to her breakthrough moment, Ciattarelli’s policy wrangling would seem like elevator music. Bonus: Get a cameraman to focus on her bold smile.
Bonus Points: Select a press conference with a senior Trump advisor and begin shouting at them as they speak. Although they are optional, weapons like brass knuckles and baseball bats could be useful.
Benefit: a three-point rating increase
Hijack a Mostly Peaceful Tesla Dealer Attack or City Burning Protest with Chaos
Given the ongoing immigration disputes, Sherrill might disrupt an anti-immigration demonstration by burning an American flag to express divide and waving a Mexican flag for inclusivity.
She may call it performance art for unity and wave a (fake) decapitated head of a particular past president on a noose for maximum shock. Her base would praise her as brave, and Ciattarelli’s team would be too shocked to respond, igniting the online outcry.
Sherrill will have the upper hand as Jack Ciattarelli is at a nearby café discussing his plans to lower electric costs and promote bold ideas like reviving nuclear energy and collaborating with the President to support a national energy strategy.
She would downplay Ciattarelli’s talking points by framing it as a protest against hate speech.
Benefit: a two-ranking increase
Bonus Points: Wear a pro-Palestinian keffiyeh or be seen wielding a molotov cocktail next to a burning police car. F-ck Ice, I’m shouting. It would also be good to fuck Trump because he isn’t polite. If she could persuade the demonstrators nearby to join her in chanting it, it would be even better.
Benefit: a rating increase of +1
Adopt a Deported Criminal for the Photo Op
Sherrill should include a deported criminal immigrant in her campaign narrative because Democrats enjoy redemption stories, especially when they feature an illegal alien.
Begin with a low-key human trafficker who has a history of marital violence. Choose a convicted murderer or rapist for greater publicity. Outside her Montclair home, a tearful press conference demanding system reform would make headlines and stir emotions. Her empathetic bravery would make Ciattarelli’s tough-on-crime posture seem chilly. Simply keep the security staff at the top of your list.
Benefit: a three-point rating increase
Bonus Points: Pick a well-known violent offender, such a murderer, a convicted rapist, or a child trafficker. By selecting a migrant who has been convicted of double homicide or even triple homicide, she may strengthen her lead. Call for their return and reintegration into American culture, describing them as a middle-class, hardworking parent merely attempting to make ends meet in a foreign land.
Benefit: a rating increase of +4.
Collect Mugshots Like Campaign Buttons
When you have a mugshot, you don’t need a walking card. Is a mugshot of Jack Ciattarelli available? No, he doesn’t. She can win this because of this.
The new yard signs are mugshots. Sherrill needs at least three arrests by November, either for jaywalking in Trenton, demonstrating at a pipeline construction, or inadvertently spray-painting her slogan on a competitor billboard.
The slogan “Mikie: Tough Enough for Trenton” ought to be displayed on billboards with each smug photo wearing aviators.
Ciattarelli’s polished headshots will seem terribly generic, and voters will adore the edge. Frame the mugshots for the photo booth during her victory party.
Benefit: a rating increase of +1
Bonus: A misdemeanor mugshot will only impress moderate Democrats. She needs a violent crime mugshot for the huge numbers. Perhaps make threats to assassinate the president or attack a cabinet member on Capitol Hill. The massive amounts of mail-in ballots will go there.
Benefit: a rating increase of +4.
Bonus Moves to Bury the Competition
-
Post-Riot Trash Pickup Stunt: After the next mostly peaceful riot, Sherrill should rock a pantsuit or better, a Top Gun-style aviator jacket and pose picking up a single soda can. Caption the staff-snapped photo Cleaning Up Trump s Mess and donate the outfit to a museum for historical vibes. Ciattarelli s white papers can t compete with that swagger.
+1 ratings bump
-
Play the Persecution Card: Sherrill s made millions in suspiciously timed stock trades classic D.C. hustle. She should dare federal prosecutors to charge her, then scream political witch hunt at every rally. The martyr narrative Mikie vs. the elites! would rally her base, making Ciattarelli s fiscal responsibility pitch feel like a nap.
+1 ratings bump
-
Candidate makeover: Sherrill is too plain Jane, suburban mom right now for the far left. She should consider bangs and a bob, perhaps dyed red or blue (or both). A nose ring wouldn t hurt. Gaining a few pounds could help. Avoid soap and showers. A few tattoos and body piercings could go a long way here. To seal the deal, she needs to show up at a rally topless with black duct tape X d on her breasts and a F-ck Trump scribbled on her belly.
+1 ratings bump
Why This Works
In 2025, Sherrill must be the ringmaster of the circus that is politics.
Sherrill can control the narrative with these insane acts, but Ciattarelli is relying on tax cuts, lower energy costs, less crime, and peaceful town halls.
Will some people think it’s crazy? Yes. She needs to start wooing the looney far-left supporters in order to win, because nuts win elections.
Is this work satirical or not?
